the holidays are coming.

and since we aren't moving this year, i'm going to decorate the apartment, yes the tree will be up this winter. pretty lame i'm on call christmas day, and i'm not able to go home...but my mom is coming to town, so that'll be fun.

and work is extremely excellent.
i'm getting an actual for real position....and the person leaving...well we're not exactly sad to see him go. let's just hope that this 30 million dollar budget cut doesn't take my job...for now i am thankful, for now i'm ok.

whooooooooo.

saturday.

laundry and dishes in the am.
work for the afternoon, run around the park.

i am a terrible runner. i wish i were one of those people that run marathon style, like to run just because...because it's fun for them. but i feel like i'm seriously killing my joints or something...and distance running, there is no way! i'd like to join a gym, but the thing is money...if i spend all that money and end up not going it'll piss me off, or if i do go and it's weird i'll never go back...i'm strange about things like that...places filled with people.

i ran and cleared my head.
came home and made food.

i discovered the mango's i bought were bad...so stupid. i'd love to have a good peach or mango right now, but it's kinda sick when you cut it open and the guts are brown. ew.

and it's saturday night and i'm tired...boring. this is what happens when you're on call. i'm not complaining, i like the money. i just feel so domestic these days.

i just love how things are getting better all the time.

for halloween i was a gnome.
and i'm going to NC next weekend to see tim.
currently getting ready to get ready for christmas, for me it's a process.
work. it's getting there.

however, i do not like the cold...especially when there's no one here to keep me warm.

time goes by so, so fast. i hate it...this weekend on call, next week in NC, the following weekend on call, then thanksgiving, then another weekend of call, then only two weeks until christmas. i've been good this year, and i've already got my reward.

tons of hype about this H1N1. at work, if we're not vaccinated we supposedly are going to have to wear a mask all day...i mean big f'n deal, i work in an OR, i'm in a mask 60% of the time that i'm at work...i just don't feel right putting something into my body that 1. is treatable, and 2. we don't know that much about...look at what happened with the garadasil vaccination, and all the recalls on different birth controls and other medications. no thanks. i wouldn't be surprised if all those idiots that shot it up dropped dead in a couple years...after all, it did come from China. plus, the strain has already mutated, so there's really no sense to get it if it's gonna keep changing. i just love the mind set of the hospital threatening to put masks on us...um ok is there going to be a special hole where i can eat my lunch? lol.

what else...

i need to start reading again. i don't know what it is, but the last couple of books i've read i didn't finish, and i just hate when that happens. i'm not sure if i'm too busy or if they just aren't entertaining enough, but it's something that i hope quits happening.

and i have a new found love of tea.
i'm finally starting to feel older...in a good way.

i will be out of debt by april.
my car will be paid off by january 2012.
i will have a new degree by 2013.


these are some of my goals. i'm pretty sure there are other ones, but can't think of them at the moment. i need limits, and i think that when you make deadlines and actually reach them it's really satisfying. plus i'm a super huge dork.

at any rate.
life.

our weekend in hilton head was nice. plus with tim living kinda close it gives me an excuse to get out of this house and go on exciting road trips.

things are good. halloween is almost here and i still have no idea what to be...but that's ok. we're going to the fair, which will be awesome. work is getting better, people are going on vacation and what not so i'll be covering which saves my ass for now. i'm pretty excited to try to move to tampa in the spring...with tim! [or stay in savannah together if that doesn't happen] my aunt's sister is in charge of hiring for an imaging department there, and hopefully will have the job hook up...hopefully something will work out. i miss my family and the beach. we will see.


mine is the one with the mustache.

i.love.fall.

not as much as i love the summer, but it is pretty wonderful.

today i am going to become a volunteer for the humane society, and some other thing called the dolphin project, which i'm pretty excited about. i'm not really sure what i'll be doing there, but it seems like it'll be fun.

Greek festival last night along with where the wild things are. both were not what i was expecting, but fabulous nonetheless...Greek food, it's great, but don't get the potatoes...baklava ice cream, yes.

and today i will be shopping, and cleaning out my car, and buying groceries. the only thing is, what do you buy Casey for his birthday? i'm leaning towards a really huge cake, but other than that i have no idea. he is a real wild child.

north carolina tomorrow....
home monday.
work tuesday.

lameeeeeee.

things are back in order.

and Halloween is coming, with cool weather, Casey's birthday, and all other holidays to follow. plus our lease will be up, which we hope to renew a few extra months, and then tax season....

oh life.

and now, i can finally say that my debt will be gone by march. it's an amazing feeling, and i know it's something super stupid, but i can't even put into words how excited this makes me! i mean, i've been working at it a really long time and the pay off is finally almost here!

at any rate, i'm lame.

so, pumpkins, and movies and baking and tea...plus i'm going to start volunteering at the humane society, and for this dolphin project...and signing up for school.

it's here, all i've talked about wanting to do it and it's here...whoa.

i'm just not sure what to do, because there is this possibility that i may be moving to Tampa...like unless things super perk up at my job, and that place does a 180 and becomes the most enjoyable, magical place on earth, i may be heading to Tampa. here's the thing, stupid st. Joseph's will supposedly work with my school schedule, and give me money to go...

buttttttttttt, i'm pretty sure that Tampa will offer more flexible programs such as night/weekend classes....

oh the decisions.

all in all, things are working out, and this whole year has been wonderful as i predicted!!!

i'm in florida. well, until this afternoon, then i'll be back in savannah.

i'm burnt, loving my dog, and hanging out with friends. sometimes i wish life could be like this always...not worrying about work, and getting that sense of excitement when you haven't seen some one in a really long time. and the beach is open and enjoyable all year.

and then sometimes, it's just all really annoying. and you wonder why the people you're seeing here can't even make the effort to ever come visit...it's pretty un-balanced as far as friendship goes.

hmmmmmmmmm.

thanksgiving in valona.
christmas in port charlotte.
a new year in sav.

who knows.

and tampa. tampa is on the list....

I love and hate the fact that October is almost here. seasons changing, pumpkins and cookies...fall. and not to mention, pumpkin spice flavored everything. I feel like since living here, the summer isn't long enough though...good thing i'll be home in a couple weeks to see the beach.

the job hunt is going...i mean i'm not even sure if i need to hunt anymore. long story, but if Debbie gets the job, things will look up for me. don't get me wrong though, i'm still looking else where...like north and south carolina else where....what ever happens, and where ever i end up is exactly where i'm supposed to be.

things are going to be good though, i just know it.

hmmm.

middle of September. and things are still going alright. i am desperately hoping for some sort of new job, a new job contact, a light at the end of the tunnel....i can barely see it.

oh my. i guess it's just one of those days.

though, i did get to hold a baby. a super cute, wiggly baby, who was extra happy. that was fun.
and i did have a run in with the law, which always gives me a good laugh.

and i'm at one of my favorite places...the library.
and soon enough, i will get to sleep...lots and lots of sleep.

my cousin Dawn and her friend Katie were here today. well they've been here since yesterday.

we spent the day eating wonderful food and walking around Savannah...taking pictures of the moss and squares, enjoying the architecture and cemetery. coffee, and eggs. it was really fun, nice. it's strange when you live in such a beautiful place full time you start to take it for granted. -i'm sorry Savannah, you are something to get excited about.

it's just another reminder to be thankful for what you have. even the simple things.

i'm loving this weather.
though it always shocks me when summer ends so suddenly.

it's a lovely day though.
and tomorrow will be nice as well.


and all this, makes me not want to find a job.

today is the first day of September. the ninth month of 2009.

i'm already another year older...and even worse, 2010 will be here before we know it...and i'm not where i should be.

let's see...the year started out good, i finally got a decent job, and was getting on track with all the bills, all my debt...then i met some super shady people who i thought were cool, turns out, no no no no no. that's okay though, i really don't mind...then six months flew by, i finally got a car....

and now.
job pretty much gone. phone trouble, computer virus.

that is three things right? three bad things. i don't know if i can take anymore.

i'm just trying to see where this all went wrong. and i can't really help but laugh, because it is so typical that these things would happen to me.

bonus though; Tim is back in my life. i only have 4 months left to rough it. and it's times like these when you really see who your friends are.

so yes, i thought '09 was going to be way better last year, and i can name a hundred ways that it is. but this wasn't supposed to happen.

i do however, have a wonderful family. and i'm learning how to cook. and sleeping in, and staying up late. it's not so bad...just not what i thought.

pray for me.

hmmm.
where to even begin.
so, i'm working on a plan for the end of the year...like where to go, what to do, who to see. it's super stressful not knowing if something good is going to happen with the job market here...like i don't want to make all these plans to go elsewhere and have a super awesome job want me. [like the chances of that even happening are even fair]

buttttt, i think i've convinced Casey to go to New York and chase his dreams...if he does it, i'll be super happy for him, but i'll miss him so much.

we'll live.

and i'm probably going to move to Tampa or something...something in sunny Florida. where summer lasts all year, and it hardly ever freezes. and you can see the bottom of the ocean. -in other words, no jelly fish.

we'll see. all in time.
i feel good about this though.
as long as i can get through the next few months.

i break down in break downs.

it's really annoying that my job thinks that i have nothing better to do than call them every few hours to see if i'm working...and then wait until mid day to tell me to forget about it. assholes.

i feel stupid.
i should have taken the stupid job.

and now. i mean i can pay my bills through september...and then what.

i hate money. just hate it.

but, i have to figure this out. i got myself in, and i'll be getting myself out....soon enough.

so.

i had an interview today at a day care...i think it went well, but the lady did say she's had a lot of responses to the job add, hopefully they'll call. i think it's so hard to get a job here, because it's so competitive right now. fingers crossed. i mean the whole search has been looking up because i'm at least going on interviews...this is a good sign. but this one, i reaaaaaaallllllllly want it, like really want it. i'm sure the money's not great, and it'll be hectic, but working with little tiny kids is just so much fun.

harry potter is my obsession lately. along with pilates, and organizing. random. and net flix, ah net flix.

i have to go to that miserable hospital tomorrow...and for the next five work days. i hope it's a good week, i hope nothing shady goes down. one can only hope. it's sorta sad that place, no one there is happy...at least not for now.

i find it funny, because at first i was freaking out when this happened...like uhhhhh, what am i going to do now? but being away from there makes me realize how much i really don't like it. having to constantly watch everything you say or do...for no reason. i feel much more sane being at home worrying about money.

oh my.

but, everything is going to work out. i just know it. and, not to mention, with all this happening it leaves so many options open for the end of the year...where to go, what to do.

it's pretty exciting!

and it helps that every weekend someone is either coming or going, or there is reason to celebrate. takes my mind off the fact that all this shit is going down. i'm blessed.

because I have more time right now, I am free to do whatever I want. I miss days like this, about a year ago...if only the bills would stop rolling in, I could live my life like this forever.

not working leaves more time for cooking, reading, and catching up on things that I actually want to do...today I have some sort of interview-ish thing at a day care, a job that I will inevitably love. that is the best kind of work, something you don't mind doing no matter what they pay you. as long as I can get by.

oh, what will the day bring? I'm super excited for October, all these great festivals will be going on, and last year I had to work every single weekend, so didn't get to do any of that fun stuff. my oh my.

I've been thinking about the last four months a lot. and where to go when we get out of here. it's pretty exciting. so many options. I don't have my head set on just any one place, and the idea of getting further away from my family is something that really holds me back. I don't know though, the options are open.....

for now.

things are going to work out. I can just feel it.

we are exactly where we are supposed to be. these things were meant to happen. it's frustrating to not be able to see the whole puzzle, rather one little piece at a time, but it's all happening for one reason or another.

and i believe in myself.

we like to stay up all night.
and sleep all day.
and drink $5 forty's.
and run wild.
wild.


pizza, karaoke, darts, basketball...
weird things, that seem so normal.

i guess that is just how we fit.

so. not working seems to have it's ups and downs. kinda freaked at first, but i just really have this feeling that everything is going to be okay. some way, some how.

my family is amazing, i love them beyond words...especially my dad.

i'm hoping for the best now...and i have faith in myself.
let it be known that what comes around goes around, the world moves in circles. i believe in this to the fullest.

at any rate, things will be changing sooner than later.

so.

summer has been going well so far. busy weekends ahead, i love it. no weekend call for the month of July. stoked.

Tim is back in California and already starting with the same non sense. makes me wonder when will i finally learn?

we are having fun though. drinking, dancing, driving in the element. all good things. last weekend i went home and watched Steven's fire works....i love the fourth. nothing like being on the river with a funnel cake and hundreds of people you've seen before. my family ate pasta salad together Sunday morning before i left, such a fun story. i really love them.

and it's been so pretty, the rain and the beach, ice cream....i want for days like these to never end.

22 soon.
pretty exciting, i look at birth days as a reason to really act a fool. plus everyone has to be nice to you, and i can get away with being ridiculous.also, it comes with cake.

yay!

i wish i knew how not to criticize so much.

fingers crossed for a new car next weekend.

i'm so tired.
with good reason.

i've done something wild, really, really, out did myself this time. and now there are blisters on my feet...which is apparently some sick way to remind me by making it painful to even walk.

this summer has been quite eventful, especially the last few days...i know it's early, and that's what i love.

mmmmmmm.

i love surprise days off.
working until midnight though is not so hot.
i think that today i'm going to clean.
and shower.
and have my car looked at.
and do all the things i would never waste my fabulous weekend doing.

for some reason i've been feeling completely content with where i am. and i find it strange.
it feels good.

i love summer.
beach days, crazy umbrellas, bridge traffic. barbecue's, wine.
new hires at work, traveling.
i'm excited to go home for the fourth, and excited to go back to Chicago...when it's not freezing out.

i'm knitting, and cooking, and i've been thinking.

i've been thinking about nothing in particular, and everything in general. it's actually very confusing...and liberating.

i'm trying to make plans for when this year is over, but oddly enough i am content.
i figure that it is the wanting that kills us.

i'm getting out of debt. i'll be getting a new car, and a new education.
oi.

with everything i have, and without everything i want.
i am blessed.

i got the warts frozen off my hand today.
they are blistery and bubbly.

gross.
i also recently got a bubble machine, fabulous shoes, and my hair cut...
+i'm planning a trip home and to chicago this summer.

i was thanked for my work three times today.

that place is not so bad.

weird weather.
the cold makes me sleepy.
and love candles.

who am i kidding. i always love candles.

laundry and dishes.
a trip to goodwill, and maybe the art supply store.
spending time by myself is not always too bad.

my bed will be made and my closet will be cleaned...
it seems like it should be sunday.

i have good books to read, and something to knit....
Autumn's baby is almost here.

i want to make something though...
food maybe?

phone calls...
bills.
and a long walk. [my shins still hurt]

it's funny how i almost get excited to schedule payments for my credit cards. it feels like such a big acomplishment to see the balance go down. i'm a complete nerd.

i'm learning that i can't hold myself acountable for absolutely everything. we all get sucked in and make poor choices. i guess this is what living is all about. all we can do is take the good with the bad, even if that means there is more bad.

i don't think it's fair, and i don't find these thoughts entertaining.
it's a process though, one i'm hoping to master.

and i realize that i don't deserve everything that's happened to me, all the while i can take responsibility for my actions. i need soap in my mouth.

the people who are in my life are there because they want to be there, which is comforting. and those who aren't chose to do whatever it is they're otherwise doing...they made no effort. and it's okay. i assume that i never really was that important to them.

most hideous day.
this guy i know's girlfriend found out he was sending me sext messages.
wild.

and my job is breaking me.
i don't want to end up like those people i work with.
they are miserable..and too serious. and they don't smile enough.

it seems like every job i've had in Georgia has gone straight into the ground. and i don't get it, because at home my bosses loooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeed me. like to the point where they beg me to move back, and we're obviously life long friends. and here...i don't know what to do here....

life.
it's always something.

textsfromlastnight.com is my new favorite web site.

loves it.

my head hurts. again.
i wanted to make eggs, but the frying pan is dirty.
it's always dirty.

and the barking dogs.
the band practice down stairs.

enough.

my mom loved her mothers day gift. which i'm glad about, because i love her...but i'm pretty sure i don't act like it hardly ever. well maybe i do, i'm not sure.

camping soon.
and summer is finally here.
i can't wait to go love the beach once i get off these antibiotics.
and for trips home.
cousins.
kids.
my dog.

this year keeps getting better and better.

i want to stand where the sun meets the Earth.

i'm not sure what i'm looking for.

i have strep throat...

i mean really, 'cause it doesn't even hurt. my tonsils are beyond huge though, and it's annoying that i'll be 'contagious' until tomorrow evening, but what can you do.

every now and then i become extremely, un-necessarily messy...i'm almost sure its these hormones...hot mess. something shifted in me, changed and i can't understand what.

lately i've been in a weird mood.
and i've discovered the meaning of life.
it's bright and shinny.

not so much the meaning, but life in general.
like this is it.
i feel like i've just been waiting for summer to be over...but day in and day out, this is it...this is all. that's why i'm changing myself...making the most of everything, letting go of shitty people.

it's time to really follow your heart.
no test to study for, no semester to start over, no parents to plan it all out.

weird.

it's hitting me like an ocean all of a sudden.
i sort of don't like it.
sorta want to make it stop.

i'm not sure if i'm ready for adult hood, even though i'm living it. i'd like to freeze time...like five years ago. because i woke up one day and realized that things are never going to be like that again. friendships are never going to be like that. it's never going to be as easy.

but you can't undo time. it's sorta bitter sweet.

and maybe thats why twenty-something-people find it necessary to pretend they're still in high school, living out the drama of the he-said-she-said bullshit....maybe that's how they justify living off daddy's money.

they're missing out.
they're bored.
and boring.


i absolutely love reading the horoscopes...so right on.
along with my dream book.
both of which will change your life.
i've been having awesome dreams...
not like for real awesome, but when you find the meaning, they're really pointing in good directions.

i found out the other night, that my heart is open.
i've been waiting.

florida has my heart.
forever and ever.

i need to learn how to go to work and just do my job. to keep quite. to not get involved with the drama....to not care.

how.
how do you make your skin leather, and not change completely.

i love sunny days.

i went to an organ procurement last night...even though i wasn't working, i just was interested.

the story is quite sad.
a girl, 24, had a seizure which caused a brain bleed, and she died...on her birth day.
it really hits home when it's some one so young, who lived their life every day with the same thoughts that i have...it's so sad to think of all the things she didn't do, never experienced, and her family. her family.

lord.

but seeing the beauty of the human body, human spirit, and human life is something beyond words. something beyond anything i could have ever imagined.

overall i feel so grateful to just be here...to be on the other side of that table, not in need of any organs. and it makes everything you've ever worried about, been angry about, or been embarassed about so small.

all our problems are so small.

i'm telling you two things.

1. don't ever be afraid to go after what you want.
2. it's ok if you lose sight of what's important to you...as long as once you get it back you let nothing stop you from taking it.

two more things.

i'm going back to school this year.
NEVER have surgery.

oh over cast skies and sun burnt skin.
i really miss my dog. a lot.

but love the fact that the rain stayed away.
Port Charlotte holds better people for me, i'm sure. maybe it's because i grew up there...

next time we'll have better luck finding a canoe, now we know.
and my family is there.

and the day was still amazing, no dolphins and all.
only every now and then i feel as though i'm without.

i feel like this year keeps getting better and better.

there is one thing i wish i could be over though...

i really want to go camping.
soon.

because i enjoy the fire, marshmallows, the wet dew on the grass in the morning, the way the stars look, and overall spending time with old friends, and familiar drinks. i like the way the water looks, and the frogs sound, the way the wind blows through the trees, even peeing outside all night isn't that bad.

i can't wait.

how 'bout we eat veggies burgers, feel the grass on our feet, and the wind in our hair everyday.

how 'bout we remember how to roller blade like we weren't scared of falling. try to live life like that.

i don't like being a grown up, and would like nothing more than to know how to make it stop.

also, i only ever get hit on by for real straight up Irish men. what is with that. why come to America and hit on an Irish girl what is the point....there is no logic in this world. and that is one of the things i love about it.

coffee, netflix, star lights on a string, finding out dirty secrets, the internet, target, new lighters.

today kinda ruled....
and i wasn't even hung over.
yes.

i love the fact that i didn't get called into work this morning. hopefully today will be like a real day off.

i feel like summer is never coming.
and i don't like it.

i want to see all the trees go back to green, and the beaches go back to full rather than empty...and i want it to be okay to eat ice cream...and i want to feel humidity, and remember what the rain feels like against your bare legs instead of soaking your jeans. and flip flops, and sun screen, and no make up...

i'm waiting.

why is it so hard to find people to trust? i want to ...i'll give you a fair chance. why won't anyone let me do it?

it saddens me when people lack consideration for someone else's feelings, especially someone you call a friend.

signing up for college again. yay to working full time and going to school.

things to do in '09
-new tattoo
-start school
-vegas
-chicago [again]
-get out of debt
-fall in LOVE

if things keep going as planned, [well] i just might die of shock.

Chicago was amazing.
i'm even thinking about moving there, despite the cold, and lack of nature.
i am so blessed to have such a ridiculous, embarrassing, crazy drinking family. they are the best and i couldn't ask for anything else. i used to wish my family were bigger, closer, but now i realize that i couldn't have come from better people...i'm so glad i was chosen to be part of their experience and that they have loved me in return.

saturday night came close to my spring break/summer house party '07 experience. freezing cold rain, random guy peeing in the street, free drinks, dawn falling out of the bar, hitting a parked car, puking all the way home, running [almost] off the road several times, sleeping for three hours. loved it.

100 years old, it literally brings me to tears to tears. i think of how things must have been when grandma johnson came here, and how could she have ever known of the life she was going to create for all of us. it's amazing for a human to live that long, and be such a lovely person with such tremendous spirit. i want to be more like her every day, she is precious.

lately it's been made clear to me what my priorities are and where my heart is. i'm thankful...thankful to know where i am going, who is important and that my choices are worth it.
i love living.
i love 2009.

erin/casey kite day was crazy.
i wish everyday were like that...

the way sand feels on your feet, running until you can't breathe, and laughing so hard you think you're going to pee yourself. the way the ocean smells, and the tourist look. sticks in the sand, pelicans, seaguls, driftwood.

i think there are certain things that people must do everyday.
see dolphins.
hold a baby.
eat chocolate.
sing really loud, until your lungs feel like they're going to explode.
gaze at the sky.
tell only truths, no false promises.
feel inspired.

there are some things i truly feel people need just to thrive...things that make you feel whole, and remind us we can be silly, and teach you how to be happy with what you have. thankful just to be here, to be happy...to have the people we love some how in our lives.

that feeling is the best.

The world is an oyster.
more like a canvas wrapped around a large balloon.
that is how it floats.

the grass is the kind from Easter,
the clouds just brush strokes floating along.
trees are tiny dots, and all the humans and animals are too minuet to see.

the spinning sounds like an old chain link swing.
and the sun is a flash light, shinning so bright.
and the stars are glitter, in every color you could imagine.

and there is yarn stuck to it that makes the mountains.
the water is play dough to remind you of when we were young.
and it seems so small,

it is yours to go wherever you please.
and in one whisper
you're gone.

ok

i've never been in a band or anything, but i really don't understand why the people down stairs have to play their music so loud. it seems as though the noise is coming from the depths of hell, and its vibrations are pulsing through my feet, in my blood. i don't get the point of jamming that loud, they do it so often, i mean i know it's fun if you're super high and drunk and you're thinking "this sounds sooooooooooooo good!", but our neighbors do this day in and day out. are they seriously on drugs? and how come i'm never invited.

pilates. pilates are my new favorite, along with herbal bath soap and rugged warehouse. i love debbie, or people in general who teach you so much about life. at any rate, we work well together and are shopping soul mates. and we're going to change the world.

to think about how much my parents actually love me, really chokes me up. and it almost makes me feel like moving home, just so i can be closer to them. almost.

we had the best weekend. though it is exhausting when they come to visit, we have so much fun and it really makes me realize that they would do anything for me.

i love them, completely.

after tuesday night, everything is so clear.

and in my heart, i know everything is going to be fine. and i am so glad.

Hey High School,

Just wanted to say hey, and that I miss you and everything. I miss those giant flower pots we used to sit on before class, and those stupid stretchy book covers we used to have. I miss the lunch table, and the way walking through the cafeteria made me feel awkward, like everyone in the whole room was staring at me even though there was no way in hell that they were.

And remember that time when I was late to Japanese because I was talking to Andrew and I fell up the stairs, and flew into class with a bloody hand while the pledge of allegiance was on.

Oh Andrew. I miss the way I used to feel just being around Andrew...even though he turned out to be bad news, and I hardly think about him anymore. But I do miss the days we used to skip class and think we were so bad ass. Or the first time we got high.

And the same way year book could get me excused for being late, I could tell my mom that the automated phone call was because we had a substitute that day, and THEY didn't know how to take attendance.

and pencil sharpeners.
and NO cell phones.
and bathroom passes.
and notes.

I guess I really just miss the way I was with my friends. How they were the world to me, attached at the hip, every Wednesday at hungry howies no matter what.

You see, I found this picture in my glove box the other day. Of me, Ashly, Steven, and Mike...and it was sorta heart breaking. Because I can't remember the last time I felt like that. Just hanging out and doing nothing...when my friends genuinely were my number one priority.

before debt, break ups, and bills. and careers...and busy busy schedules. Before you learned how to be malicious, jealous, and mean.

Damn Does it suck.

not saying that i'm not in a better place now. I mean I do have my own financial and personal freedom. I don't have rules or curfews.

but, it was just so much fun.

life is beautiful.
and i am greatful for every thing i have, and everyone that i know.
i believe in God.
i believe in my friends.
i believe in karma.

and sometimes there are moments that are so wonderful, so unbelievably breath taking that i get choked up just thinking about how i don't want it to end.

and there are days that i don't want to end.

and i feel the same way when i think about getting older.

i love my family.
and my dog.
& Casey.
the beach.
the stars.
camping.
fireworks.
watermelon.
those rare nights where you have super long conversations.
coffee.
sun roofs.
pitas.
parks.
grass.
flip flops.
shopping.
this.

I used to know how to do this.

and I used to know how to do cartwheels, play four square, put on lip stick.
tap dance. run through sprinklers. have skinned knees. enjoy doing nothing, geometry, watching the stars, or the lightning. catch grass hoppers, lizards, frogs. climb trees, make messes.

and now....
i'm not sure.